That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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