My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
