if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I am available for nakedness
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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