I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
