So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
