My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
