Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
