my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
