I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At least life still wants to fuck me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
