That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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