Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
