All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
