Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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