I like to think it a success when the cops are called
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
