yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
