Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
