ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he was CRYING into my vagina
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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