I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
