great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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