So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
