I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
