once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize