Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize