your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I can't put those talents on a resume
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
