There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
