So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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