I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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