I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize