I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
