Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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