last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Send help, water and tortillas.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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