I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
