I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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