He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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