while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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