dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish you could order shots online.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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