Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
