Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
