fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
