...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
