Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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