you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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