i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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