i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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