Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
