U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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