and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
