Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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