so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
