saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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