im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
