Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
