I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You ruined the universe
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
