Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
