Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
too bad you live with your parents still
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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