i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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