so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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