I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
