haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
