I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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