GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
