Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
