just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
