I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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