My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
